5 New Features Facebook Needs Immediately

Because Facebook isn’t absurd enough.

I admit I’m one of those Facebook haters. (But I’ve never announced on Facebook that I’m quitting Facebook. Please explain why folks do that?) Yes, I have an account that I log onto about once every 5 years, or whenever I need to check if the local road leading in and out of our small town has flooded yet again. Other than that, I generally avoid it. My mom will ask, “Did you see that one video…oh, I guess you probably didn’t.” My best friend texts me telling me to log on and check out her latest post, because she knows I won’t see it otherwise.

I used to spend WAY too much time on Facebook. I may have had a slight addiction to it. But finally — security and privacy issues aside — it got to be too much of a blood-pressure-raising, mind-numbing, brain-cell killing waste of my time. (Hey, no offense to regular users.) Another beef I had was that my account got hacked at one point, which maybe isn’t entirely the fault of Facebook itself, but I was still peeved. So I forced myself to stay away. Then I got to the point where I didn’t even require willpower. Now I have to force myself to log on if I want or need to check something out. And wouldn’t you know it, I always have to reset my password, because I can never remember it.

While I’m fairly certain that Facebook itself doesn’t miss me — and my friends have given up on socializing with me there — I have a few ideas for some great features for Mr. Zuckerberg to add to Facebook in his next update. I might seriously consider using the social media platform again if these were implemented.

We all know how it works: Your aunt can’t stop posting controversial political crap, and constantly starts mega-arguments in which literally no one ever changes anyone else’s mind about their opinions. Or your neighbor insists on perpetuating conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory (most true, but still.) And your co-worker can’t keep the Seahawks hate to herself. Instead of Unfriending these folks, why not “Enemy” them instead? I haven’t quite figured out the logistics of how this would work yet, but I think it’d be much more entertaining than Unfriending someone.

This could be some serious fun. Imagine waiting at the DMV scrolling through your feed, when suddenly one of those monster (or other creepy) pictures or videos randomly pop up, startling you completely out of your boredom. I actually hate that kind of stuff because I like my heart beating continuously without pause. But I would have a hell of a time watching others jump out of their skins. While waiting be seated at a restaurant last night, I found myself fantasizing about the other waiting patrons shrieking in alarm as they mindlessly scrolled their phones. This could be particularly amusing if someone is sneakily checking their updates during the sermon at church.

Sure, you can have Facebook translate your page into Pirate-Speak or Upside-down English, but what about Klingon? Who’s with me, fellow Trekkies?

Let’s be honest, most of what is posted on Facebook is crap. Sure, some of it’s helpful, like if you’re looking for recommendations for a plumber to replace your toilet. But come on, your sister-in-law’s relationship status will change by next week anyway. And who’s going to care in three days what beautiful creation you concocted for breakfast? If we had to wait between creating our posts and actually posting them, perhaps there would be more thoughtful ideas and less crap? OK, probably not.

I really don’t care when your birthday is. (I never said I was a good friend.) Facebook, how about letting me know when someone is on their way to my house for an unannounced visit, so I can prepare to pretend to not be home?

What new Facebook features would you like to see happen?

Resolute over-thinker, introvert, eternal optimist, recovering procrastinator, unashamed nerd. AllsWriteWithTheWorld.com

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